Krista

Krista has done so much for me since I bought her book in March. I will miss her dearly. Even though we never really met, she has inspired me on a very personal basis and I have been blessed to just have associated with her through the support group. It is just so crazy that she is gone. I had so many emotions when I found out. I just had my hysteroscopy...which I was going to email her/support group about. I knew she would be happy to hear that we were one step closer to a baby. When I found out that she had passed away, I couldn't bring myself to email. Krista-you were truly an angel. I pray for your cute cute kids and for your grieving DH. I love you, girl.

October 6, 2010

This is the day. This was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives. All I see now is an empty room, empty arms, and a broken heart. I have so many mixed feelings right now. I actually think I have more feelings of gratitude. I am grateful I didn't have that baby only for him/her to die in my arms... I am grateful I didn't have this baby only for him/her to die in a few short years... and I am grateful I didn't have this baby only for him/her to have some sort of mental or physical challenge. It sounds selfish but maybe I am. I am grateful that it's 'only' a miscarriage/infertility and not cancer or a life threatening disease. I am grateful that I have a husband who happens to have a nice ass. I am grateful for LOVING family members. I am grateful because I think I can say with confidence "BRING IT ON." I am go through anything after going through this I think because of my relationship with hubs and with the Man Upstairs are so strong that nothing and nobody can or ever will break me. So I say to you October 6, 2010- I am grateful for you but you are just another date in the year. Tomorrow you will be yesterday. And no, I won't forget that sweetheart that was supposed to come on your day. But you cannot make me sad, although I have shed a tear or two over you. October 6, 2010 will be my Thanksgiving Day.

Latest and Greatest and Not so Greatest

Last week we went to our new IVF dr!!!!! He is kinda wierd? crazy? geeky? funny? But anyway, I got the cu ca lu balloon thingy test and OOOOMMMMGGGG that hurts! And guess what? It fell out so I had to get it done again!!! The balloon test thingy was to see if there were any bumps or abnormalilites in my uterus so it was pretty much just routine. BY THE WAY...my dr told me I had a 'FANCY' uterine cavity...whatever that means but thanks doc. So he's rooting around in my privace and he is struggling to find the balloon which is clearly in my fanciness because I am dying in pain. He then asks if I had a d&c and I reminded him yep.  Well long story short, the dr who d&ced me did kinda a crappy job and half of my 'fancy' uterus has closed up shop from all the scar tissue.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

So I need to have an x-a-ray of my black beauty again with special dye on days 7-12 of the blasted puncuation mark and that's not until the end of Oct. Grrrrrr. and THEN I have to have surgery to clear her all up. THEN that has to heal and then we can proceed to the shots! I am so excited to start the process. But frustrated at the random scar tissue. woof but yay!

Hooray for IVF!

Walking Zombie

I am on auto-pilot. I missed my nieces first day of school pictures. I missed their excitement. I missed their cute hair. Tomorrow is my anniversary and I don't have one thing planned. I have no presents to give. I'm just here. But I'm not here.

Last night, John and I were discussing options. And guess what? MONEY. All we need is money to basically buy a kid. Isn't that awful. We decided we better start saving- whether it be $5 here and $10 there. We decided that this whole process is a marriage breaker...IF you let it. I think that our marriage will be so strong once we get through all this. We are going to the temple tomorrow to ask the BIG GUY what is up. It'll be good for us...specially on our anniversary.

I am so lucky to have such a loving family. I am so lucky to have such loving in-laws, who have either offered to surrogate for me (carrying their brother's baby lol), or have shown me how to adopt, if and when that needs to happen. I'm so grateful to have the gospel in my life. I'm so grateful to have nieces and nephews that I can kinda 'mother' and sit them in time out or give them loves. I am so grateful to live near most of my family. (love ya Rachel!) I am grateful to have my siblings all married in the temple....except for Mandy who better not get married for another 3 years...at LEAST. I am so grateful for my hubs. When I woke up to say bye to him this morning it smelled like a jr high dance. He just bought after-shave for the first time. Wow hon! It smells good..cough cough. I am grateful that he has a sense of humor. I am grateful that he is somewhat prideful. I feel so safe with him. He has worked 150 hours in two weeks for us. He is a hard worker.

I am grateful for this trial. I can't believe I said that. It is molding me, shaping me into the person I want to become. I know that I have been compelled to be humble. I will no longer have the 'I-can-do-anything-on-my-own' attitude. I will no longer doubt His plan. I am on a different auto-pilot now. I am on the faith auto-pilot. Whatever comes my way, just ride the wave. What is that phrase...COME WHAT MAY AND LOVE IT. That's gonna be the new life motto for me I think. We all know we are going to have trials,right? Why waste that time and be down about it. On occasion, I think we should feel the feelings and cry. But for the most part, I think I am going to be positive about this. I should have woken up this morning and been excited to see my neices off. I should have been crying tears of joy last night as they all got their father's blessings instead of tears of 'I wish this was John giving his kids blessings.' But I felt those feelings. And I have learned from them.

Instead of rolling my eyes in my head when all the girls talk about is bottles, blankets, formulas, cribs, binkies, spit-up, diapers, wipes, and all that shiz, I think I will actually listen. And maybe learn from it from WHEN I have a baby. Instead of praying for a friend not to have a girl because you know she is going to unintentionally use your name, I'm gonna just pray for her and the baby to be healthy. And if she has a girl and uses your name, who cares. She is prolly cool enough to understand WHEN I have my girl and name her the same thing.

Thank you blog for making me feel my feelers. This really helps.

Two Weeks

I hate two weeks. Start your womanhood business..two weeks later, you're 'fertile.' Two weeks later, find out if prego...by starting your womanhood business..two weeks later, you're 'fertile.' And so on and so on and blah blah blah. I am sick of saying, o next time. woof on that. That pee stick is the devil.

Going to see dr again on Sept 1 to help fill out IVF dr paper work. Why is the IVF dr paper work so stinkin complicated. They need to have it to where a third-grader could fill it out. No, I don't know how many times specifically we have intercourse on average, ok! Sometimes John is in a good mood so we'll 'do it' lol like 15 times. freak. No, I'm not sure if they have done a hamster sperm test-should I know? sheesh Quit asking me these dumb questions and wasting time. Just knock me up will ya?

Debate

To tell or not to tell....

that is the question.

So if/when I get pregnant again, do I tell family immediately? Why don't people tell right away anyway? Is it because of miscarriage? Probably.

But when I had my miscarriage, it was nice to have people there for you.

I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T MASK MY FEELINGS

So if I don't tell immediately, and I have a {gulp} miscarriage, I have to go through it pretty much alone...obviously I would eventually tell but still. The thing about it is, is that the people I surround myself with are in this journey with me. Do they have a right to know if 'it' worked? I swore to myself after the D&C, I would never tell until I was 12+ weeks.

Maybe I will do that...

but maybe I won't

WOW

What an overwhelming response. Sheesh. Thank you so much to everyone who has commented positivly. Honestly, there were people who I don't even know who commented and wrote some uplifing,kind words and I am so grateful for that. I am very overwhelmed.

Thank you .

Thank you.

Thank you.

ANYWAY!

John and I went to the temple a few days ago AND I went visiting teaching. Yesterday was fast Sunday,so obviously we fasted and my sis Megan put our names in the temple. And just for safers, I bore my testimonial yesterday just to seal the deal. So, I've been purdy righteous. haha I'm so kidding.
But I really did all those things lol

You wanna know what sucks though...? My SIL just had a baby. Holding a baby used to make things better. Now, not so much. Anyone else have that problem in the infertil myrtle world? I mean I love that baby so stinkin much and all of my other neices and nephews but sometimes that's a reminder. It's almost like when you are around all of these families, the world is sticking out her evil tounge and saying

"NEENER NEENER NEENER"

stupid world

Wanna know how to get an infertile gal excited?
Have her take a pee stick test and have it be positive.
No, I'm not talking a real pee stick preggo test, I'm talking an ovulation test. Tomorrow is the third time in for AI and we are very hopeful this time. This time, it feels different...in a good way.

We are totally gonna light a candle and turn on some baby-making music in the room so that it feels a little more romantical; instead of some dr lady shoving a long stick thingy up my you-who.

Any POSITIVE thoughts are welcome at this time.

Any NEGATIVE thoughts are NOT welcome

if you happen to have a neg comment, don't be a coward this time

All You Need in Life

Very first post and I get an ignorant comment made by someone I 'don't know.' This is what this ignorant person said:
Get over it and be happy with what you have. You have a husband and a new house. It's obviously not the right time so get over it.
And to that I respond as follows:

The world could allow me to have all material things in life. I do have a brand new house. I do have brand new furniture. And all of these things are beautiful. And I am humbled every time I walk into my beautiful, brand new home. I am greeted with a magnificant hubby every single day with a kiss. We have the best time together. We make the most out of life. I could wish to have an even bigger home, with nicer things inside. I could have a brand new car with all the hookups. I could have the boats, the 4 wheelers, the vacation homes, the toys, the everything. No material thing in this world could ever make me happy like being a mother could.

Motherhood - The Highest and Noblest of Work in this Life!
Elder Russell M. Nelson on motherhood:
“During my professional career as a doctor of medicine, I was occasionally asked why I chose to do that difficult work. I responded with my opinion that the highest and noblest work in this life is that of a mother. Since that option was not available to me, I thought that caring for the sick might come close. I tried to care for my patients as compassionately and competently as Mother cared for me.
Many years ago the First Presidency issued a statement that has had a profound and lasting influence upon me. “Motherhood,” they wrote, “is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind. It places her who honors its holy calling and service next to the angels.
Because mothers are essential to God’s great plan of happiness, their sacred work is opposed by Satan, who would destroy the family and demean the worth of women.” Russell M. Nelson, “Our Sacred Duty to Honor Women,” Ensign, May 1999, 38

"Motherhood is near divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind."
Guess what? I am medically unable to be a mother. I don't get to hold that service. I don't get a choice to say 'ok, I want to be a mom now.' I would trade every home, every furniture, every posession I have just to hold that calling. If you have children 'annonomous' commenter, then shame on YOU.

If you have gone through this same thing, with doctors, procedures, medicine, THEN MAYBE you may have a say. But I think this comment was more focused on material things I have... and to that I as kindly as possible say

MONEY CAN'T BUY HAPPINESS!!!

And for those loving friends and loving family members who have encouraging thougts, I thank you so very much for your kind words and prayers. You don't know how much they mean to me.

This whole experience has made me more grateful for what I have in life because you never know who longs for what you have. And perhaps I should be more 'vocal' about what I am grateful for. But guess what? It's my blog. And if you don't like it, don't read it. So >:P!!!!

Background Story

When I was a teenager, I was diagnosed with PCOS. I had no idea what that meant until July 2008 when my hubs and I decided to start a family. We thought on our one year anniversary, August 2008, we would have a positive prego test for our present.

August came and to my surprise, Aunt Flo (AF) visited. September came and no AF. Much to my disappointment, no positive prego test. October came. Same thing. November. Same. December. Same. January came and I was fed up. I went to my dr and she gave me Provera to start AF along with Clomid. February 2009-January 2010 came and went with no success.

Let's throw a few unsuccessful Artifitial Insemenations into the mix. Let's throw in two sisters being pregnant, one sister-in-law pregnant, and one sister-in-law adopting. I was spent. We opted out of a third AI to save us the heartbreak. Sister number 1 just had her baby and my heart was broken. That should have been me in that hospital. The hubs knew my heartache and had a romantic bedroom set up that night. That's the night we conceived!! Yeah baby!

We were shocked. Happily shocked. We then decided to build a house. February 2010 could not get any better. A baby on the way and a house in construction. March 9,2010 I was having some trouble and decided to go to the dr. No heartbeat. March 10,2010 I had a D&C and my baby was gone. The upside to all that was getting my percocets! lol Just kidding.

We are now on Femara and boy am I hormonal and emotional. We will be going through AI #3 next week and are hopeful with that 'procedure' coupled with Femara things will work. We have decided if it doesn't work, then we are done...for now. We will never quit. But to go on to the next step, we need somewhere around $20,000 to go through In Vitro Fertilization.

That's our infertile story in a nut shell.