Walking Zombie

I am on auto-pilot. I missed my nieces first day of school pictures. I missed their excitement. I missed their cute hair. Tomorrow is my anniversary and I don't have one thing planned. I have no presents to give. I'm just here. But I'm not here.

Last night, John and I were discussing options. And guess what? MONEY. All we need is money to basically buy a kid. Isn't that awful. We decided we better start saving- whether it be $5 here and $10 there. We decided that this whole process is a marriage breaker...IF you let it. I think that our marriage will be so strong once we get through all this. We are going to the temple tomorrow to ask the BIG GUY what is up. It'll be good for us...specially on our anniversary.

I am so lucky to have such a loving family. I am so lucky to have such loving in-laws, who have either offered to surrogate for me (carrying their brother's baby lol), or have shown me how to adopt, if and when that needs to happen. I'm so grateful to have the gospel in my life. I'm so grateful to have nieces and nephews that I can kinda 'mother' and sit them in time out or give them loves. I am so grateful to live near most of my family. (love ya Rachel!) I am grateful to have my siblings all married in the temple....except for Mandy who better not get married for another 3 years...at LEAST. I am so grateful for my hubs. When I woke up to say bye to him this morning it smelled like a jr high dance. He just bought after-shave for the first time. Wow hon! It smells good..cough cough. I am grateful that he has a sense of humor. I am grateful that he is somewhat prideful. I feel so safe with him. He has worked 150 hours in two weeks for us. He is a hard worker.

I am grateful for this trial. I can't believe I said that. It is molding me, shaping me into the person I want to become. I know that I have been compelled to be humble. I will no longer have the 'I-can-do-anything-on-my-own' attitude. I will no longer doubt His plan. I am on a different auto-pilot now. I am on the faith auto-pilot. Whatever comes my way, just ride the wave. What is that phrase...COME WHAT MAY AND LOVE IT. That's gonna be the new life motto for me I think. We all know we are going to have trials,right? Why waste that time and be down about it. On occasion, I think we should feel the feelings and cry. But for the most part, I think I am going to be positive about this. I should have woken up this morning and been excited to see my neices off. I should have been crying tears of joy last night as they all got their father's blessings instead of tears of 'I wish this was John giving his kids blessings.' But I felt those feelings. And I have learned from them.

Instead of rolling my eyes in my head when all the girls talk about is bottles, blankets, formulas, cribs, binkies, spit-up, diapers, wipes, and all that shiz, I think I will actually listen. And maybe learn from it from WHEN I have a baby. Instead of praying for a friend not to have a girl because you know she is going to unintentionally use your name, I'm gonna just pray for her and the baby to be healthy. And if she has a girl and uses your name, who cares. She is prolly cool enough to understand WHEN I have my girl and name her the same thing.

Thank you blog for making me feel my feelers. This really helps.

Two Weeks

I hate two weeks. Start your womanhood business..two weeks later, you're 'fertile.' Two weeks later, find out if prego...by starting your womanhood business..two weeks later, you're 'fertile.' And so on and so on and blah blah blah. I am sick of saying, o next time. woof on that. That pee stick is the devil.

Going to see dr again on Sept 1 to help fill out IVF dr paper work. Why is the IVF dr paper work so stinkin complicated. They need to have it to where a third-grader could fill it out. No, I don't know how many times specifically we have intercourse on average, ok! Sometimes John is in a good mood so we'll 'do it' lol like 15 times. freak. No, I'm not sure if they have done a hamster sperm test-should I know? sheesh Quit asking me these dumb questions and wasting time. Just knock me up will ya?

Debate

To tell or not to tell....

that is the question.

So if/when I get pregnant again, do I tell family immediately? Why don't people tell right away anyway? Is it because of miscarriage? Probably.

But when I had my miscarriage, it was nice to have people there for you.

I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T MASK MY FEELINGS

So if I don't tell immediately, and I have a {gulp} miscarriage, I have to go through it pretty much alone...obviously I would eventually tell but still. The thing about it is, is that the people I surround myself with are in this journey with me. Do they have a right to know if 'it' worked? I swore to myself after the D&C, I would never tell until I was 12+ weeks.

Maybe I will do that...

but maybe I won't

WOW

What an overwhelming response. Sheesh. Thank you so much to everyone who has commented positivly. Honestly, there were people who I don't even know who commented and wrote some uplifing,kind words and I am so grateful for that. I am very overwhelmed.

Thank you .

Thank you.

Thank you.

ANYWAY!

John and I went to the temple a few days ago AND I went visiting teaching. Yesterday was fast Sunday,so obviously we fasted and my sis Megan put our names in the temple. And just for safers, I bore my testimonial yesterday just to seal the deal. So, I've been purdy righteous. haha I'm so kidding.
But I really did all those things lol

You wanna know what sucks though...? My SIL just had a baby. Holding a baby used to make things better. Now, not so much. Anyone else have that problem in the infertil myrtle world? I mean I love that baby so stinkin much and all of my other neices and nephews but sometimes that's a reminder. It's almost like when you are around all of these families, the world is sticking out her evil tounge and saying

"NEENER NEENER NEENER"

stupid world

Wanna know how to get an infertile gal excited?
Have her take a pee stick test and have it be positive.
No, I'm not talking a real pee stick preggo test, I'm talking an ovulation test. Tomorrow is the third time in for AI and we are very hopeful this time. This time, it feels different...in a good way.

We are totally gonna light a candle and turn on some baby-making music in the room so that it feels a little more romantical; instead of some dr lady shoving a long stick thingy up my you-who.

Any POSITIVE thoughts are welcome at this time.

Any NEGATIVE thoughts are NOT welcome

if you happen to have a neg comment, don't be a coward this time