Walking Zombie

I am on auto-pilot. I missed my nieces first day of school pictures. I missed their excitement. I missed their cute hair. Tomorrow is my anniversary and I don't have one thing planned. I have no presents to give. I'm just here. But I'm not here.

Last night, John and I were discussing options. And guess what? MONEY. All we need is money to basically buy a kid. Isn't that awful. We decided we better start saving- whether it be $5 here and $10 there. We decided that this whole process is a marriage breaker...IF you let it. I think that our marriage will be so strong once we get through all this. We are going to the temple tomorrow to ask the BIG GUY what is up. It'll be good for us...specially on our anniversary.

I am so lucky to have such a loving family. I am so lucky to have such loving in-laws, who have either offered to surrogate for me (carrying their brother's baby lol), or have shown me how to adopt, if and when that needs to happen. I'm so grateful to have the gospel in my life. I'm so grateful to have nieces and nephews that I can kinda 'mother' and sit them in time out or give them loves. I am so grateful to live near most of my family. (love ya Rachel!) I am grateful to have my siblings all married in the temple....except for Mandy who better not get married for another 3 years...at LEAST. I am so grateful for my hubs. When I woke up to say bye to him this morning it smelled like a jr high dance. He just bought after-shave for the first time. Wow hon! It smells good..cough cough. I am grateful that he has a sense of humor. I am grateful that he is somewhat prideful. I feel so safe with him. He has worked 150 hours in two weeks for us. He is a hard worker.

I am grateful for this trial. I can't believe I said that. It is molding me, shaping me into the person I want to become. I know that I have been compelled to be humble. I will no longer have the 'I-can-do-anything-on-my-own' attitude. I will no longer doubt His plan. I am on a different auto-pilot now. I am on the faith auto-pilot. Whatever comes my way, just ride the wave. What is that phrase...COME WHAT MAY AND LOVE IT. That's gonna be the new life motto for me I think. We all know we are going to have trials,right? Why waste that time and be down about it. On occasion, I think we should feel the feelings and cry. But for the most part, I think I am going to be positive about this. I should have woken up this morning and been excited to see my neices off. I should have been crying tears of joy last night as they all got their father's blessings instead of tears of 'I wish this was John giving his kids blessings.' But I felt those feelings. And I have learned from them.

Instead of rolling my eyes in my head when all the girls talk about is bottles, blankets, formulas, cribs, binkies, spit-up, diapers, wipes, and all that shiz, I think I will actually listen. And maybe learn from it from WHEN I have a baby. Instead of praying for a friend not to have a girl because you know she is going to unintentionally use your name, I'm gonna just pray for her and the baby to be healthy. And if she has a girl and uses your name, who cares. She is prolly cool enough to understand WHEN I have my girl and name her the same thing.

Thank you blog for making me feel my feelers. This really helps.