IVF

 As some of you may know, John and I have been doing IVF (in vitro fertilization) at the University of Utah. This requires shots in the stomach. Woof. When I received the first order of fertility medication, I was like WOW.

This was intimidating and very overwhelming.. I had to do 1 little insulin needle shot in my tums and I was petrified. So I did that for 10 days and things were fine. Then I get the rest.......

Ummmm...what did I sign up for?? This is insane. Three of these shots every night.

Are you kidding?? The one on the right was like a little pen thingy that kinda hurt. The one in the middle is the little insulin needle with the Lupron that I had given myself from day one. The one on the very left I have to mix a liquid and a powder together and switch the needle. Thank goodness for the needle switch. The mixing needle is 1.5 inches and I was gonna faint when they whipped that baby out to show me. Then they were like o honey just wait for your HCG and progesterone shot. Those puppies ARE 1.5 inches that you stick in your bum. Actually JOHN has to stick ya. O and PS- the one on the left is going to leave welts and bruises. SOOO exciting! 

Then it was blood test time... to see when my little angel eggs could be retrieved. Two ultrasounds and blood tests later, we retrieved the egglings. Can I just say that after double dosage of the amnesia IV and pain meds, momma was still awake and in PAIN. That was traumatizing but worth it.

After all that trauma, it was the waiting game. Waiting for my little egglings to get violated by the spermlings. And violated they did. Out of the 8 egglings,7 actually fertilized (GO TEAM!). Out of those 7, 2 did good. And out of the 2, 1 did super amazing!! The rest kinda died out and we only got to end up freezing one. That's exciting!! So on Tuesday, we implanted our baby embryos during which Princess Bride music was blaring and Annie Lennox was gracing us. Look at my cute little babies.

Aren't they adorable?? The one up top is the fantastic one! Go embryo GO!!!! So now I am on bed rest (woof) and we are just hanging out, the embryos and me. Hopefully they attached their little embryo hands to my fancy uterus and hang on tightly.

See this puppy?? Every night at 8:30 I get to have sexy time with Harv and he gets to stick this baby in my bum. It's so hot. I gotta have this until 10 weeks prego. Yay! I'm bruised to say the least.

It's so crazy because a year to the day I found out I miscarried, was our implant day. There is a plan people. There is no doubt about it. I am confident that regardless of the outcome, everything is going to be ok. I am lucky to have gone through this experience. I don't think that anything can phase me or John. I just think, it could be worse. Because in all situations, someone, somewhere has it worse. I am just plain lucky.

Superbowl Sunday

Superbowl Sunday has kinda always been a significant day for me. I got in my first snow "crash" on Superbowl Sunday. My husband (then boyfriend) met my grandpa for the first time. (That told me whether or not this "guy" was gonna be THE one..obviously passed the test). Last year, I announced to my family that I was pregnant on Superbowl Sunday. And this year, I started my 

SHOTS

for 

IVF!!!

I am excited and very nervous. The process is kinda complicated and I am still overwhelmed but I am gonna take it one shot at a time. But seriously, I have to give this shot in my stomach. The nurse says to me, "Pinch your fat and stick it in...." and I told her "I'll try to find some fat on my stomach." She now knows that I can be funny and I am not an uptight infertile which I can be at times. I'll keep ya updated!

Krista

Krista has done so much for me since I bought her book in March. I will miss her dearly. Even though we never really met, she has inspired me on a very personal basis and I have been blessed to just have associated with her through the support group. It is just so crazy that she is gone. I had so many emotions when I found out. I just had my hysteroscopy...which I was going to email her/support group about. I knew she would be happy to hear that we were one step closer to a baby. When I found out that she had passed away, I couldn't bring myself to email. Krista-you were truly an angel. I pray for your cute cute kids and for your grieving DH. I love you, girl.

October 6, 2010

This is the day. This was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives. All I see now is an empty room, empty arms, and a broken heart. I have so many mixed feelings right now. I actually think I have more feelings of gratitude. I am grateful I didn't have that baby only for him/her to die in my arms... I am grateful I didn't have this baby only for him/her to die in a few short years... and I am grateful I didn't have this baby only for him/her to have some sort of mental or physical challenge. It sounds selfish but maybe I am. I am grateful that it's 'only' a miscarriage/infertility and not cancer or a life threatening disease. I am grateful that I have a husband who happens to have a nice ass. I am grateful for LOVING family members. I am grateful because I think I can say with confidence "BRING IT ON." I am go through anything after going through this I think because of my relationship with hubs and with the Man Upstairs are so strong that nothing and nobody can or ever will break me. So I say to you October 6, 2010- I am grateful for you but you are just another date in the year. Tomorrow you will be yesterday. And no, I won't forget that sweetheart that was supposed to come on your day. But you cannot make me sad, although I have shed a tear or two over you. October 6, 2010 will be my Thanksgiving Day.

Latest and Greatest and Not so Greatest

Last week we went to our new IVF dr!!!!! He is kinda wierd? crazy? geeky? funny? But anyway, I got the cu ca lu balloon thingy test and OOOOMMMMGGGG that hurts! And guess what? It fell out so I had to get it done again!!! The balloon test thingy was to see if there were any bumps or abnormalilites in my uterus so it was pretty much just routine. BY THE WAY...my dr told me I had a 'FANCY' uterine cavity...whatever that means but thanks doc. So he's rooting around in my privace and he is struggling to find the balloon which is clearly in my fanciness because I am dying in pain. He then asks if I had a d&c and I reminded him yep.  Well long story short, the dr who d&ced me did kinda a crappy job and half of my 'fancy' uterus has closed up shop from all the scar tissue.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

So I need to have an x-a-ray of my black beauty again with special dye on days 7-12 of the blasted puncuation mark and that's not until the end of Oct. Grrrrrr. and THEN I have to have surgery to clear her all up. THEN that has to heal and then we can proceed to the shots! I am so excited to start the process. But frustrated at the random scar tissue. woof but yay!

Hooray for IVF!

Walking Zombie

I am on auto-pilot. I missed my nieces first day of school pictures. I missed their excitement. I missed their cute hair. Tomorrow is my anniversary and I don't have one thing planned. I have no presents to give. I'm just here. But I'm not here.

Last night, John and I were discussing options. And guess what? MONEY. All we need is money to basically buy a kid. Isn't that awful. We decided we better start saving- whether it be $5 here and $10 there. We decided that this whole process is a marriage breaker...IF you let it. I think that our marriage will be so strong once we get through all this. We are going to the temple tomorrow to ask the BIG GUY what is up. It'll be good for us...specially on our anniversary.

I am so lucky to have such a loving family. I am so lucky to have such loving in-laws, who have either offered to surrogate for me (carrying their brother's baby lol), or have shown me how to adopt, if and when that needs to happen. I'm so grateful to have the gospel in my life. I'm so grateful to have nieces and nephews that I can kinda 'mother' and sit them in time out or give them loves. I am so grateful to live near most of my family. (love ya Rachel!) I am grateful to have my siblings all married in the temple....except for Mandy who better not get married for another 3 years...at LEAST. I am so grateful for my hubs. When I woke up to say bye to him this morning it smelled like a jr high dance. He just bought after-shave for the first time. Wow hon! It smells good..cough cough. I am grateful that he has a sense of humor. I am grateful that he is somewhat prideful. I feel so safe with him. He has worked 150 hours in two weeks for us. He is a hard worker.

I am grateful for this trial. I can't believe I said that. It is molding me, shaping me into the person I want to become. I know that I have been compelled to be humble. I will no longer have the 'I-can-do-anything-on-my-own' attitude. I will no longer doubt His plan. I am on a different auto-pilot now. I am on the faith auto-pilot. Whatever comes my way, just ride the wave. What is that phrase...COME WHAT MAY AND LOVE IT. That's gonna be the new life motto for me I think. We all know we are going to have trials,right? Why waste that time and be down about it. On occasion, I think we should feel the feelings and cry. But for the most part, I think I am going to be positive about this. I should have woken up this morning and been excited to see my neices off. I should have been crying tears of joy last night as they all got their father's blessings instead of tears of 'I wish this was John giving his kids blessings.' But I felt those feelings. And I have learned from them.

Instead of rolling my eyes in my head when all the girls talk about is bottles, blankets, formulas, cribs, binkies, spit-up, diapers, wipes, and all that shiz, I think I will actually listen. And maybe learn from it from WHEN I have a baby. Instead of praying for a friend not to have a girl because you know she is going to unintentionally use your name, I'm gonna just pray for her and the baby to be healthy. And if she has a girl and uses your name, who cares. She is prolly cool enough to understand WHEN I have my girl and name her the same thing.

Thank you blog for making me feel my feelers. This really helps.

Two Weeks

I hate two weeks. Start your womanhood business..two weeks later, you're 'fertile.' Two weeks later, find out if prego...by starting your womanhood business..two weeks later, you're 'fertile.' And so on and so on and blah blah blah. I am sick of saying, o next time. woof on that. That pee stick is the devil.

Going to see dr again on Sept 1 to help fill out IVF dr paper work. Why is the IVF dr paper work so stinkin complicated. They need to have it to where a third-grader could fill it out. No, I don't know how many times specifically we have intercourse on average, ok! Sometimes John is in a good mood so we'll 'do it' lol like 15 times. freak. No, I'm not sure if they have done a hamster sperm test-should I know? sheesh Quit asking me these dumb questions and wasting time. Just knock me up will ya?